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Banter, Flanter or Sexual Harassment?

  • Jun 17
  • 4 min read

Blurred silhouettes of people behind a scratched, foggy surface with warm city lights in the background

Guest article written by PJ Livett, founder of rePHRASE - an organisation dedicated to delivering Healthy Relationships and Sex Education (without the awkwardness!).


Banter, Flanter or Sexual Harassment?


This question has been around in some form or another for years, but since Soma Sara started the Everyone’s Invited movement in 2020 to eradicate ‘rape culture’, it has become clear that sexual violence is not only happening on our streets, but also in our schools. 


Bang”, “Smash”, “Whack”, “Destroy”, “Beat”, “Poke”...


Yr 10 students tell us that these are common words for sex. 


It’s heart-breaking that the language for sex today is so violent and aggressive, the total opposite of what sex is supposed to be about. So, when language like this is embedded into the mindset of young people today, is it any wonder that what someone may perceive to be ‘banter’, can actually feel intimidating or even threatening to the recipient. 


When people say “It’s just banter”, are they in the safe zone of true banter or roaming into the murky waters of sexual harassment?... 


It seems to be a fine line on the continuum of communication...


But, what’s the difference? 


Friendly banter - there’s no intention to hurt anyone and the limits/boundaries are respected. 


Ignorant banter – when a person crosses the line, but has no intention of causing harm. 


Malicious Banter – intentional communication with the purpose of humiliating a person, often in public. THIS IS BULLYING. 


Sexual harassment - has to do with creating an intimidating / harassing environment. It involves abusive language intended to make the other person feel shame/threatened/uncomfortable (also applies to videos, pictures, and texts) 


When a 17-year-old student says “I’m so scared of getting a girlfriend. She might accuse me of sexual assault like they do on Everyone’s Invited... we know there’s a lot to be done to not only empower young women, but also young men with the knowledge around the law and sex crimes, consent and healthy relationships. 


So, when does ‘flanter’ (flirty banter) drift into the realm of sexual harassment?


Is there really such a fine line between the two or is this behaviour simply becoming more and more tolerated, trivialised and normalised in society? 


Well, sexual harassment can look like this... 


• sexual comments or jokes, 

• unwelcome touching, hugging, massaging or kissing 

• displaying sexually graphic pictures, posters or photos 

• sexual gestures 

• spreading sexual rumours about a person 

• suggestive looks, staring or leering 

• propositions and sexual advances 

• making promises in return for sexual favours 

• intrusive questions about a person’s private or sex life, and discussing your own sex life 

• sexual posts or contact on social media 

• sending sexually explicit messages/images on social media 

• criminal behaviour, including sexual assault, stalking, indecent exposure and offensive communications. 


Once upon a time pinging a bra strap, wolf-whistling, and smacking a person’s bum was considered positive attention... it meant that you’d been noticed and considered appealing to another. But in recent years women, in particular, have been reclaiming their agency, their rights, their bodies. 


But, what about when two people are in a relationship together? Does this give unconditional permission to be sexually available at all times? 


Spoiler alert... the answer is NO! 


We need to know where love stops and abusive relationships start 


1 Research by Women’s Aid has found that a third of teenage girls have already been in an abusive relationship and when the remaining two-thirds were asked additional questions, it became apparent that 64% of them had experienced abusive behaviour, they just hadn’t realised it was abuse. 


When delivering a workshop around healthy relationships to a co-ed group of year 10s we talked about ‘Gaslighting’ (when a person hurts you and blames you for it... when they make you question your sense of reality and doubt yourself).


The responses were encouraging, yet chilling at the same time... 



How is it that 14 year olds are already experiencing abuse and toxic relationships at such a young age? 


Perhaps the messages delivered via films / rom-coms are contributing to the hidden narrative being sold to our children? ‘Pursue the girl at all costs and you'll get her’. 


 The Notebook - Noah threatening to kill himself to get a date with Allie 

 Twilight - Edward repeatedly stalking Bella 

 Friends - “lovable” Ross repeatedly showing excessive jealousy and ownership of Rachel. 


Abusive behaviours can be seen as gestures of love, and rewarded with the couple reaching “happily ever after”, rather than experiencing, in reality, unhealthy/abusive relationships. 


Love and relationships require vulnerability. Educating people on abusive behaviours in relationships isn’t “the death of romance”... it’s about highlighting that abuse was never romantic in the first place. 


Support and information about this topic can be found at the following sites: 




For further support around this topic: 

For Young People:


⁠NSPCC and IWF - Report Remove tool 



www.childline.org.uk  (webchat or phone 08001111 anonymous - doesn’t appear on phone bill)


For 18+:


https://nakedtruthproject.com. (support for user and partner of user)



https://revengepornhelpline.org.uk/  (non-consensual sexual images online)


https://StopNCII.org  (Stop Non-Consensual Intimate Image (NCII) abuse)





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